Taken last year some time. Or maybe the year before. See a theme developing?
Wednesday 29 August 2007
When You've Got Absolutely Nothing To Say...
...post a picture instead.
I took this the other evening at Sandbanks, Poole.
I took this the other evening at Sandbanks, Poole.
Saturday 11 August 2007
Word Of The Day
Tmesis, noun
In grammar and rhetoric, the separation of the parts of a compound word, generally done for humorous effect.
In grammar and rhetoric, the separation of the parts of a compound word, generally done for humorous effect.
Example:
"Are you looking forward to the Tool gig next week, Karen?" asked a half-asleep Sigmund.
"Abso-bloody-lutely!"
Word Of The Day
Dacrygelosis, noun
1) a mental state characterized by extreme mood swings
2) a condition of alternating laughing and crying
OK, Sigmund, it's about time we got you actively involved in this blog, instead of just standing there twitching nervously one day and clapping your hands excitedly the next. And they say that I suffer from dacrygelosis...
1) a mental state characterized by extreme mood swings
2) a condition of alternating laughing and crying
OK, Sigmund, it's about time we got you actively involved in this blog, instead of just standing there twitching nervously one day and clapping your hands excitedly the next. And they say that I suffer from dacrygelosis...
Thursday 9 August 2007
Glowworm
I've had a glowworm-shaped area of negative scotoma hanging in front of my eyes, obscuring my vision, for most of the day.
My neurologist said that these things are nothing to worry about. While he didn't really explain why I get this from time to time, he pretty much brushed it off as 'nothing'.
No. Well. You're not the one with the annoying area of blindness in front of your eyes all day, are you?
Still. It seems to have faded now. So I'll stop moaning.
There's a first, eh?
My neurologist said that these things are nothing to worry about. While he didn't really explain why I get this from time to time, he pretty much brushed it off as 'nothing'.
No. Well. You're not the one with the annoying area of blindness in front of your eyes all day, are you?
Still. It seems to have faded now. So I'll stop moaning.
There's a first, eh?
Wednesday 8 August 2007
Bournemouth Sunset
Could be anywhere, actually.
But it was taken in Bournemouth, by me, from Hengistbury Head to be precise. A pair of sunglasses was used as the filter for this one.
Off The Hook
A bit of migraine info gleaned from the various Migraine Action Association talks I have attended so far.
Chocolate cravings preceding an attack are perfectly normal and excusable amongst migraineurs. It's not just me. And it's not the chocolate that causes the migraine. That myth came about because people experience chocolate cravings before an attack, then have chocolate, wake the next morning with a migraine and blame the chocolate. But when you get the cravings, the preliminary stages of migraine are already underway. You're going to get this damn thing whatever. Abstaining from chocolate is not going to stave it off. Believe me, I've tried. *prises self off hook with smug grin*
My overactive and 'excitable brain' is part of my illness. 'Excitable brain' was a phrase coined by the founder of the association, or something. Don't know, wasn't paying attention at that point. Too busy thinking about other stuff. (Lack of concentration and attention span is another issue.)
It IS normal to be just a little bit (OK, a lot) manic the day before an attack. Trevor often speaks of that 'scary manic glint in my eye' - that's his warning of what's to come. I think he was comforted by the fact that he's not alone at a recent awareness talk we went to - other long-suffering partners have to endure these frequent periods of mental unhingery inflicted upon them by their migrainous girlfriends. The crying, the impatience, the kicking of inanimate objects, the tirades of verbal abuse, the uncooperative, uncommunicative lows, the excitable, hyperactive highs, giggling maniacally for no reason one minute, bawling eyes out desperately the next - it's all part of it. Like an exaggerated form of PMT. And a bit more frequent than just once a month. More like once a week. Oh lucky, lucky him.
Chocolate cravings preceding an attack are perfectly normal and excusable amongst migraineurs. It's not just me. And it's not the chocolate that causes the migraine. That myth came about because people experience chocolate cravings before an attack, then have chocolate, wake the next morning with a migraine and blame the chocolate. But when you get the cravings, the preliminary stages of migraine are already underway. You're going to get this damn thing whatever. Abstaining from chocolate is not going to stave it off. Believe me, I've tried. *prises self off hook with smug grin*
My overactive and 'excitable brain' is part of my illness. 'Excitable brain' was a phrase coined by the founder of the association, or something. Don't know, wasn't paying attention at that point. Too busy thinking about other stuff. (Lack of concentration and attention span is another issue.)
It IS normal to be just a little bit (OK, a lot) manic the day before an attack. Trevor often speaks of that 'scary manic glint in my eye' - that's his warning of what's to come. I think he was comforted by the fact that he's not alone at a recent awareness talk we went to - other long-suffering partners have to endure these frequent periods of mental unhingery inflicted upon them by their migrainous girlfriends. The crying, the impatience, the kicking of inanimate objects, the tirades of verbal abuse, the uncooperative, uncommunicative lows, the excitable, hyperactive highs, giggling maniacally for no reason one minute, bawling eyes out desperately the next - it's all part of it. Like an exaggerated form of PMT. And a bit more frequent than just once a month. More like once a week. Oh lucky, lucky him.
WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEAD???
I'm going to briefly describe migraine. For the sheer hell of it.
First there is the 'prodrome'. This is the preliminary period before an attack where you get a bit manic or depressed (or both), hyperactivity, excessive yawning and general madness. I also get restless legs syndrome and can't sleep, but I think that's just me...
Next, there is the 'aura' phase. The first time I got this, in '99, I was shit-scared. Thought I was going blind. I'd just got back from a Gomez gig (not that I'm blaming them), and I started developing a blind spot in front of my eyes. Then a zig-zag pattern of twinkling lights started creeping across before my eyes, further obscuring my vision. It's a really scary sensation, if you've never had it before. Now, having experienced it more than 250 times, this is actually the best part of a migraine, for me. Although it's an inconvenience as you have to stop whatever you're doing, can't drive or anything, and although it's an indication of the impending HELL you're going to go through over the next 48 hours or so, it is quite a nice visual experience. Like a glittery kaleidoscope. Ahh.
Next comes the 'headache'. That bit isn't so fun. In fact, it's shit. For me, it's a one-sided, excruciating and throbbing pain which lasts for a couple of days. The drugs help a bit, but it's still debilitating. Then there's the accompanying nausea. Bright lights make it worse and vomiting is sometimes a factor. Which is nice. Sometimes if I try to speak or write, my words are either miexd up or I have trouble finding the vocab I'm looking for. So I generally don't bother and bury my head in a pillow instead.
Finally, the 'aftermath'. Sheer fucking knackeredness. And depression. And swearing.
So.... that's my life at the moment. I feel I am continually apologising to people for 'letting them down'. I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to decline an invitation out. And the shit thing about that is, that sometimes I get the feeling people don't believe me, I'm making it up to get out of it. I wish.
First there is the 'prodrome'. This is the preliminary period before an attack where you get a bit manic or depressed (or both), hyperactivity, excessive yawning and general madness. I also get restless legs syndrome and can't sleep, but I think that's just me...
Next, there is the 'aura' phase. The first time I got this, in '99, I was shit-scared. Thought I was going blind. I'd just got back from a Gomez gig (not that I'm blaming them), and I started developing a blind spot in front of my eyes. Then a zig-zag pattern of twinkling lights started creeping across before my eyes, further obscuring my vision. It's a really scary sensation, if you've never had it before. Now, having experienced it more than 250 times, this is actually the best part of a migraine, for me. Although it's an inconvenience as you have to stop whatever you're doing, can't drive or anything, and although it's an indication of the impending HELL you're going to go through over the next 48 hours or so, it is quite a nice visual experience. Like a glittery kaleidoscope. Ahh.
Next comes the 'headache'. That bit isn't so fun. In fact, it's shit. For me, it's a one-sided, excruciating and throbbing pain which lasts for a couple of days. The drugs help a bit, but it's still debilitating. Then there's the accompanying nausea. Bright lights make it worse and vomiting is sometimes a factor. Which is nice. Sometimes if I try to speak or write, my words are either miexd up or I have trouble finding the vocab I'm looking for. So I generally don't bother and bury my head in a pillow instead.
Finally, the 'aftermath'. Sheer fucking knackeredness. And depression. And swearing.
So.... that's my life at the moment. I feel I am continually apologising to people for 'letting them down'. I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to decline an invitation out. And the shit thing about that is, that sometimes I get the feeling people don't believe me, I'm making it up to get out of it. I wish.
My Migrainous Head
I'm tired. Oh so very tired.Not just tired, but sick and tired. Of it all. Generally. I'm tired of the migraines, for a start. I'm tired of depression. Exhausted by mania. Tired of being told to take medication that doesn't work. Tired of dragging myself to the doctor time and time again, only to be told that it's "...just something I have to put up with, I'm afraid".
My friendly Specialist in London said that we migraineurs have a 'excitable brains'. This means that we are more sensitive to external stimuli and emotions are heightened and feelings are exaggerated. Hence why I can sometimes almost feel my brain tripping over itself as it races toward potential implosion unless I take something to calm me the fuck down. She also said that my type of migraine, as it is running on a 10-11-12 day cycle and whatever I can't remember exactly now, but anyway it's pointless me trying to fathom out triggers because this migraine disease isn't related to food at all. Great. If only someone had told me that before. I'm glad she told me that actually, as it means that I can sit here and smugly stick two fingers up at all the judgmental bastards who have, in the past, assumed that it's something I'm doing wrong diet-wise and should watch what I eat. "You shouldn't eat chocolate, you shouldn't eat cheese, blah blah", well "Fuck you, stop telling me how to live my life when you haven't the first clue about this illness!"Ooh, I feel better after that.
I must have seen 20 different doctors in the last 5 years. Some of those several times. One of those, my main GP is an arrogant bastard, but for some reason I go back to him. I've seen so many doctors, neurologists and migraine and headache specialists, all with varying opinions on the subject, but all of whom share an underlying view that no, there really isn't much I can do about 'Migraine Disease'.I'm not sure how I felt about that title when it was first diagnosed. I've got Migraine Disease. Sounds nasty, incurable and possibly terminal, although I keep being assured it's not. Saying that, during my long-awaited Migraine Clinic appointment on 8th December 06, the specialist doctor did confirm what I perhaps had feared most, that my type of Migraine, 'Migraine with Aura', is a rarer type of migraine, suffered by a small percentage of the population and the type which has been linked to stroke. Apparently, the aura business before a migraine, the flashing lights, blind spots and fuzziness (scintillating scotoma and negative scotoma to use the proper terms) comes about due to blood clots. Which is a frightening thought.
She seemed rather 'matter of fact' about it all and not as concerned as I was, until I mentioned that Grandma (Dad's Mum) died quiet young from a stroke.Her tone changed from that point onwards.
"I would suggest," she subtly shoehorned into the conversation, "that as a precautionary measure you should take 75mg of aspirin a day to thin the blood. Don't ever take up smoking and never go on the Pill."
Fine. So I'll just add yet another tablet to the list. OK, so it's only aspirin and quite a small amount, but I do feel like an old biddy with a heart complaint lining up my different coloured pills on the side of my dinner plate so I don't forget. All that's missing from this picture is the grey hair and rocking chair. Might as well write me off now.
Currently I'm taking the following daily:
80mg slow release propranolol (beta-blocker)
25-75mg Amitriptyline
75mg Aspirin
Feverfew (whatever good that does)
And when I have an attack:
Migraleve
Co-codamol.
I have been advised by the clinic to alter this treatment medication to the following:
Soluble aspirin and domperidone (yes, I did think she said Dom Perignon at first) when the prodrome starts (ie, when I get euphoric, anxious, irritable and that 'manic look in my eye' that Trevor sees) the day before. Then when the headache starts, I should try Naramig (a naratriptan). I have actually tried that before, but like its sister drug Imigran (a sumatriptan) I didn't rate it. But apparently I took it at the wrong time. Naratriptan? Sumatriptan? What does all this mean, Karen? I don't bloody know, it's terminology that goes way over my migrainous head. I just sit there and smile pleasantly. Grimacing underneath. Actually, I think they're all the same drug, possibly placebos, just given different names, the derivation of which comes about by randomly putting the letters of the previous one into an anagram generator to add some variety. Naratriptan Sumatriptan Naramig Imigran all the same. Bollocks.
My friendly Specialist in London said that we migraineurs have a 'excitable brains'. This means that we are more sensitive to external stimuli and emotions are heightened and feelings are exaggerated. Hence why I can sometimes almost feel my brain tripping over itself as it races toward potential implosion unless I take something to calm me the fuck down. She also said that my type of migraine, as it is running on a 10-11-12 day cycle and whatever I can't remember exactly now, but anyway it's pointless me trying to fathom out triggers because this migraine disease isn't related to food at all. Great. If only someone had told me that before. I'm glad she told me that actually, as it means that I can sit here and smugly stick two fingers up at all the judgmental bastards who have, in the past, assumed that it's something I'm doing wrong diet-wise and should watch what I eat. "You shouldn't eat chocolate, you shouldn't eat cheese, blah blah", well "Fuck you, stop telling me how to live my life when you haven't the first clue about this illness!"Ooh, I feel better after that.
I must have seen 20 different doctors in the last 5 years. Some of those several times. One of those, my main GP is an arrogant bastard, but for some reason I go back to him. I've seen so many doctors, neurologists and migraine and headache specialists, all with varying opinions on the subject, but all of whom share an underlying view that no, there really isn't much I can do about 'Migraine Disease'.I'm not sure how I felt about that title when it was first diagnosed. I've got Migraine Disease. Sounds nasty, incurable and possibly terminal, although I keep being assured it's not. Saying that, during my long-awaited Migraine Clinic appointment on 8th December 06, the specialist doctor did confirm what I perhaps had feared most, that my type of Migraine, 'Migraine with Aura', is a rarer type of migraine, suffered by a small percentage of the population and the type which has been linked to stroke. Apparently, the aura business before a migraine, the flashing lights, blind spots and fuzziness (scintillating scotoma and negative scotoma to use the proper terms) comes about due to blood clots. Which is a frightening thought.
She seemed rather 'matter of fact' about it all and not as concerned as I was, until I mentioned that Grandma (Dad's Mum) died quiet young from a stroke.Her tone changed from that point onwards.
"I would suggest," she subtly shoehorned into the conversation, "that as a precautionary measure you should take 75mg of aspirin a day to thin the blood. Don't ever take up smoking and never go on the Pill."
Fine. So I'll just add yet another tablet to the list. OK, so it's only aspirin and quite a small amount, but I do feel like an old biddy with a heart complaint lining up my different coloured pills on the side of my dinner plate so I don't forget. All that's missing from this picture is the grey hair and rocking chair. Might as well write me off now.
Currently I'm taking the following daily:
80mg slow release propranolol (beta-blocker)
25-75mg Amitriptyline
75mg Aspirin
Feverfew (whatever good that does)
And when I have an attack:
Migraleve
Co-codamol.
I have been advised by the clinic to alter this treatment medication to the following:
Soluble aspirin and domperidone (yes, I did think she said Dom Perignon at first) when the prodrome starts (ie, when I get euphoric, anxious, irritable and that 'manic look in my eye' that Trevor sees) the day before. Then when the headache starts, I should try Naramig (a naratriptan). I have actually tried that before, but like its sister drug Imigran (a sumatriptan) I didn't rate it. But apparently I took it at the wrong time. Naratriptan? Sumatriptan? What does all this mean, Karen? I don't bloody know, it's terminology that goes way over my migrainous head. I just sit there and smile pleasantly. Grimacing underneath. Actually, I think they're all the same drug, possibly placebos, just given different names, the derivation of which comes about by randomly putting the letters of the previous one into an anagram generator to add some variety. Naratriptan Sumatriptan Naramig Imigran all the same. Bollocks.
Sigmund, you're wrong
Contrary to how that manic, clapping creature to the right is apparently conveying my emotions, I am not ecstatically happy today. In stark contrast to yesterday's bout of childlike hyperactivity, I am feeling down today. Miserable. Usually I would be expecting a migraine today - that is often the way it goes. Hyperactivity, migraine, depression. Maybe I've just skipped that middle bit.
I'm going out for chocolate.
I'm going out for chocolate.
Tuesday 7 August 2007
WAKE UP YOU LITTLE SHIT!
He's still asleep.
Either he's knackered (which I guess I can relate to), or I've bored him already. (Wouldn't be the first blog-friend who's fallen asleep on me through boredom.)
They don't provide you with a virtual stick with which to prod him, do they?
I say it's a 'he', I'm not sure though.
But seeing as I'm probably going to be talking to it rather a lot (well, it beats talking to myself), I should give it a name.
(I am well aware that we are perilously close to entering the realms of 'imaginary friend' creation here.)
I think he looks like a Sigmund to me. Yes. Sigmund.
Either he's knackered (which I guess I can relate to), or I've bored him already. (Wouldn't be the first blog-friend who's fallen asleep on me through boredom.)
They don't provide you with a virtual stick with which to prod him, do they?
I say it's a 'he', I'm not sure though.
But seeing as I'm probably going to be talking to it rather a lot (well, it beats talking to myself), I should give it a name.
(I am well aware that we are perilously close to entering the realms of 'imaginary friend' creation here.)
I think he looks like a Sigmund to me. Yes. Sigmund.
Little Widgety Thing
I'm just testing my new widget pet.
He is sleeping at the moment, but presumably once I post this he'll wake up.
They say he 'reads' your blog postings and tries to figure out what your current mood is and displays that mood straightaway.
Hmm. Let's see.
He is sleeping at the moment, but presumably once I post this he'll wake up.
They say he 'reads' your blog postings and tries to figure out what your current mood is and displays that mood straightaway.
Hmm. Let's see.
Mania, Depression And All That Shit
Right. I'm going to start writing here. I've been through so many blogs in the last few years which have all met their respective demises for one reason or another. Mainly my temperament and self-hatred. More on that later.
It is my intention to keep this one going mainly as a personal diary. The idea of writing your innermost thoughts and feelings for 'all the world to see' seems strange. I doubt that anyone will stumble across this blog but kinda like the idea that someone may read it one day. But I don't necessarily want that to be people who know me already. I'm not going to be inviting friends or anything. If someone does find this by accident, it doesn't then matter to me what they read as they're probably on the other side of the world.
Why not just write in a diary? Why not write a private blog that no-one can access?
Writing in a paper diary means writing with a pen. Over the last few years, my handwriting, along with a lot of other people's I suspect, has deteriorated. I've almost forgotten how to use a pen, thanks to the internet.
Why not a private blog? Because as I said before, I like the idea that someone might read it. Perhaps they might relate to it. Perhaps it might help them in some way, if only by giving some reassurance that they're not the only one.
I've used Mania, Depression And All That Shit as the title of this entry, yet I haven't mentioned any of that. I'm not going to tonight either, but it's still apt. It's apt because that is what has impelled me to write. I've had one of the most manic days today - my mania seems to be more exaggerated at the moment - I just want to keep a record of how things go. And if I can write my thoughts down it may help me in my CBT sessions because at the moment I'm finding it really difficult to recall how I have been when my therapist asks. I can feel so different from one day to the next. When I'm 'manic' I can't relate to myself during my depressed phases. When I'm depressed, I don't even know who that other person is that I turn into from time to time. Writing here might help me get things in perspective; give me a clearer view of my ups and downs; record my fluctuating emotions as and when they happen. It might help. It might not.
Mood: Hyper, agitated
Listening to: Tool
Drinking: Hot Chocolate
It is my intention to keep this one going mainly as a personal diary. The idea of writing your innermost thoughts and feelings for 'all the world to see' seems strange. I doubt that anyone will stumble across this blog but kinda like the idea that someone may read it one day. But I don't necessarily want that to be people who know me already. I'm not going to be inviting friends or anything. If someone does find this by accident, it doesn't then matter to me what they read as they're probably on the other side of the world.
Why not just write in a diary? Why not write a private blog that no-one can access?
Writing in a paper diary means writing with a pen. Over the last few years, my handwriting, along with a lot of other people's I suspect, has deteriorated. I've almost forgotten how to use a pen, thanks to the internet.
Why not a private blog? Because as I said before, I like the idea that someone might read it. Perhaps they might relate to it. Perhaps it might help them in some way, if only by giving some reassurance that they're not the only one.
I've used Mania, Depression And All That Shit as the title of this entry, yet I haven't mentioned any of that. I'm not going to tonight either, but it's still apt. It's apt because that is what has impelled me to write. I've had one of the most manic days today - my mania seems to be more exaggerated at the moment - I just want to keep a record of how things go. And if I can write my thoughts down it may help me in my CBT sessions because at the moment I'm finding it really difficult to recall how I have been when my therapist asks. I can feel so different from one day to the next. When I'm 'manic' I can't relate to myself during my depressed phases. When I'm depressed, I don't even know who that other person is that I turn into from time to time. Writing here might help me get things in perspective; give me a clearer view of my ups and downs; record my fluctuating emotions as and when they happen. It might help. It might not.
Mood: Hyper, agitated
Listening to: Tool
Drinking: Hot Chocolate
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