Mania, Depression And All That Shit

Right. I'm going to start writing here. I've been through so many blogs in the last few years which have all met their respective demises for one reason or another. Mainly my temperament and self-hatred. More on that later.

It is my intention to keep this one going mainly as a personal diary. The idea of writing your innermost thoughts and feelings for 'all the world to see' seems strange. I doubt that anyone will stumble across this blog but kinda like the idea that someone may read it one day. But I don't necessarily want that to be people who know me already. I'm not going to be inviting friends or anything. If someone does find this by accident, it doesn't then matter to me what they read as they're probably on the other side of the world.

Why not just write in a diary? Why not write a private blog that no-one can access?

Writing in a paper diary means writing with a pen. Over the last few years, my handwriting, along with a lot of other people's I suspect, has deteriorated. I've almost forgotten how to use a pen, thanks to the internet.

Why not a private blog? Because as I said before, I like the idea that someone might read it. Perhaps they might relate to it. Perhaps it might help them in some way, if only by giving some reassurance that they're not the only one.

I've used Mania, Depression And All That Shit as the title of this entry, yet I haven't mentioned any of that. I'm not going to tonight either, but it's still apt. It's apt because that is what has impelled me to write. I've had one of the most manic days today - my mania seems to be more exaggerated at the moment - I just want to keep a record of how things go. And if I can write my thoughts down it may help me in my CBT sessions because at the moment I'm finding it really difficult to recall how I have been when my therapist asks. I can feel so different from one day to the next. When I'm 'manic' I can't relate to myself during my depressed phases. When I'm depressed, I don't even know who that other person is that I turn into from time to time. Writing here might help me get things in perspective; give me a clearer view of my ups and downs; record my fluctuating emotions as and when they happen. It might help. It might not.

Mood: Hyper, agitated
Listening to: Tool
Drinking: Hot Chocolate